3 Ginger Snaps

On December 22 Hil and I left my parents’ cottage without our kids after a very wonderful family Christmas celebration. Hil and I headed south to go home to Mansfield for the last time. We had farmed out our kids to family who, in typical character, had offered to take good care of them at a critical point in time. 

There were less than 30minutes of elapsed time before we started receiving updates from various sources about how they were all doing. Arden asleep in the car. Charlotte and the puppy. Arden drinking chocolate milk. Ruby helping grandma clean the kitchen. Arden at the nutcracker with YaYa and Pappy. We knew pretty much exactly what the three of them were up to most of the time they were away from us because people kept us informed. And I am grateful that they did. Truth be told I like knowing what they are up to when they are away from me. And, truth be told again, I realize that this constant knowledge of there whereabouts and goings on is something that society has conditioned me to expect. I’m not so sure that I should. 

For starters, I don’t really need to know. None of the information I received was important or relevant to their safety or well being. A second point – I’m not sure that me having this information benefits me or the kids in any way. A third: I’m not sure I want to place that sense of obligation on whoever is looking after my kids. I trust my family implicitly and that is why the kids are with them in the first place. I wonder if they shouldn’t just be allowed to have their experience with my kids without the burden of keeping me, the nosy parent, informed. 

When Charlotte was born Hil and I considered whether or not we should put a video baby monitor in her room. We had been given one by a friend with assurances that it really helped new parents to sleep at night because if there was a whimper or a fuss they could look in on things without really having to look in on things. We decided against the monitor because if you start survaling them without their consent as a new born – where and when does the survellience stop? And what message are we truly communicating to our child when they find out that we are always watching them – like Santa Claus… it seems possible that this need of today’s parent to be omni-observant in our kids lives is actually teaching our kids that we don’t really trust them to act as independently thoughtful and capable human beings?

Kids stand to gain tremendously by having their own private experiences in the real world. I don’t mean private as in alone. I mean private as in the experience belongs completely to them – they have lived it without the meddling hand of a parent – and they will make what meaning of it that they can.  I want my kids to be left alone – either by themselves or with others without a parent present – so that they can figure out how to navigate and solve the problems that will inevitably arise when a parent is not around. 

And the More I think about this the more I see how attachement theory is the lynch pin in all of this because as much as kids need to be left alone they also need to Know that they have an outlet when they need one. A parent to  come back to so that they can get the help they need to process and Understand whatever challenges cross their path. 

I don’t know how to reconcile this belief with today’s reality. We are sitting at gate E77 at Pearson international airport heading into 6 months of global travel and the thought of leaving My kids alone anywhere along the way is anxiety provoking to say the least! We shall see how this belief evolves.